The Baptist Tent

An Allegorical Explanation of the Different Kinds of Baptists
By Joe Hewitt

All Christian denominations live in tents. However, some, such as Roman Catholics and Churches of Christ, consider all those not in their particular tents to be outside in the heat and cold just pretending to be under a tent.
The Baptists have one of the largest tents, which they have cut up and divided into several smaller tents:
The Allegorist Tent is filled with people who especially can’t tolerate intolerance. Allegorists believe that Old Testament accounts of Creation and the Fall of Man are just stories to help primitive people grasp the greatness of God. They explain away miracles as natural phenomenon or legend. Allegorists call themselves moderates. Some call themselves liberals, and others call themselves conservatives. People who disagree with the Allegorist position they call intolerant, fundamentalists, or Calvinists.
Allegorists avoid talking about allegory. Rather if asked, they will proclaim that they believe the Bible and every word Jesus Christ said, although some on the fringe of the tent like to pick and choose, and themselves determine what He actually said.
The Allegorists’ prayer: Lord we thank you that we have the truth. We pray those other people would be as enlightened as we are so we can enlarge our tent and invite them in.
The Literalist Tent is much larger. They believe the Bible is literally true, but there are exceptions that allow for allegory in the Parables and in certain prophecies, especially in the Book of Revelation. They believe God created everything in six days, but differ on the definition of “day.” They believe the miracles actually happened as the Bible says. Literalists call themselves conservatives and can’t say the word liberal without turning down the corners of their mouths. Literalists suspect anyone who calls himself a moderate to be at best a closet liberal.
The Literalist’s prayer: Lord we thank you that we have the truth. We pray those other people would be as enlightened as we are so we can enlarge our tent and invite them in.
The Fundamentalist Tent is divided into two sections, the Capital F Fundamentalist, and the little f fundamentalist.
The little f group move freely in and out of the Literalist Tent. They say they are fundamentalists in the sense that they believe in the fundamentals of the faith, rather than being in a fundamentalist tent per se. They believe pretty much the same as the Literalists, but like the Pharisees of old, believe a few laws are good; many laws are better. Some on the fringe of the tent worry constantly about how women dress and fix their hair.
The Big F group stay pretty much in the center of their tent and keep check on one another to be sure they don’t deviate in their beliefs. If any deviation should be detected one is liable to be called a Southern Baptist, which is considered almost as bad as being a liberal. They major on women’s clothing, makeup and coiffures. If a woman wears pants she’s trying to dress like a man, which is a sin. If a girl wears shorts, she is sinning almost as badly as a wife who won’t obey her husband, or a deacon who drinks wine.
The Fundamentalist’s Prayer: Lord we thank you that we have the truth. We pray those other people would be as enlightened as we are so we can enlarge our tent and invite them in.
The Dictators Tent is filled with people who believe every word in the Bible is not only inspired by God but that every word was personally dictated by God. This tent is so tiny that everyone in it is on the fringe.
The Dictators’ prayer: Lord we thank you that we have the truth. We pray those other people would be as enlightened as we are so we can enlarge our tent and invite them in.
The King James Tent is likewise tiny. People in it claim the only reliable Bible is the King James translation of 1611. Of course they can’t read its archaic language. They read the revision of 1769 and consider it the only reliable Bible. When asked to choose between a passage in the original Greek that has shades of meaning different from the KJV, they will choose the translation over the original. They venture in and out of the Big F Fundamentalist tent on occasion.
This is the only Baptist group that requires those who enter their tent to check their brains at the door.
The King James Group’s prayer: Lord we thank you that we have the truth. We pray those other people would be as enlightened as we are so we can enlarge our tent and invite them in.
The Fatalists’ Tent is small and filled with people who are a lot like inert gas, practically invisible, odorless, and tasteless. They stay quiet. Especially they don’t do missionary work. They believe they were elected to salvation before the foundation of the world and others were doomed to Hell with no possibility of salvation. Everything that happens was preordained. If you are a rotten drunkard who beats his wife and starves his kids, you aren’t to blame. It was all preordained.
The Fatalists’s prayer: Lord we thank you that we have the truth. To Hell with those other people.
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